OK, OK, we get it.



"Enterprise" is supposed to be a retro show, taking place before the time of Capt. Kirk and the original five-year mission of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and what we see on screen is a combination of 1960s hokiness and 2000s techology.



That's fine. But does the storylines have to come from that time period as well?



Before I rip the latest Star Trek installment, "Sleeping Dogs," a new one, let's think about something for a moment. Imagine you are on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico, and you drop your McDonald's breakfast burrito. Of course, these things are more dense than diamonds, and it goes right through the hull of your ship. Water starts spurting up from the hole at the bottom of the boat and you can feel yourself sinking.



Do you:



A. Frantically try to plug up the hole to stop the ship sinking,

B. Send up a flare hoping that the Coast Guard will come rescue you, or

C. Play around with all the little gadgets, and brush up on your yoga before getting things done.



What the hell was Fred Dekker thinking when he wrote this episode? He creates a crisis for T'Pol (Jolene Blalock), Hoshi (Linda Park) and Reed (Dominic Keating), but then seems to forget that such a crisis exists. It's like watching the movie "Titanic," and instead of Leonardo DiCaprio trying to find safety, he relaxes in the ship's spa.



The ship is going to implode in like 20 minutes (which later turns into two hours), but instead of doing everything they can to fix the ship and correct their predicament, you see Reed looking at all the pretty little weapons, you have Hoshi complaining that it would be too hard to try and read Klingon, and you have T'Pol meditating with Hoshi.



Even worse, you have an inconsistently panicked Capt. Archer (Scott Bakula) sitting in his Ready Room brushing up on Klingon culture and sharing cutesy stories with Trip (Conner Trinneer).



What the hell?



Let's see, in one scene that really comes to mind, Reed (whose cold amazingly disappears) is practically collapsing harder than Janet Reno in engineering, and in the meantime, Hoshi and T'Pol are sampling Klingon cuisine as if they're on "Live With Regis and Kelly."



How horrible. This episode sucked. Not even the neat detailed look inside a Klingon ship could save it.



Everyone is about to die, there seems to be no more options to correct that, and the trio on the Klingon ship are worried about jeopardizing structural integrity and everything like that. WAKE UP! YOU ARE ABOUT TO FRIGGIN' DIE! THE LAST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS WORRY ABOUT THE DAMN STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY! YOU NEED TO BE DOING WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, IF NOT FOR YOU, AT LEAST FOR THE DAMN WRITER!



Also, what happened to those Klingon ships that were just minutes away? We never did get to see them.



OK, I got it out of my system. Let's hope this episode fails to make the rerun schedule in the future.



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Michael Hinman is the news editor and co-owner of Airlock Alpha. He lives in Tampa, Fla. He can be reached at syfyportal@aol.com.