AirLockAlpha.com

Today I'm gonna try something a little different. I'm going to take movies or television shows I have never watched or really heard anything about, and try to explain what I think it's about.

Today we'll cover a lot of the shows covered by AA (Alcoholics Anonymous and/or Airlock Alpha). I call this the "nerd rage edition" because I'm pretty sure I'll get a lot of hate mail regarding my ignorance of the genre in general.

I will explain these things, having never seen them,with the most info I have on these TV shows being from ads and friends. I will also get hate mail for being so damn good- looking ... ladies.

First, Caprica. I've never seen this, I've never seen any TV spots for it, but I'm assuming it has something to do with "Battlestar Galactica."

I only think this because a few days ago my wonderful boss Mike calls me screaming, "CAPRICA!!! CYLONS!!! OTHER NERD THINGS!!!"

That might have actually happened, or I could've just seen the word Cylon on an Internet banner ad. So it has something to do with "Battlestar Galactica," which I also know nothing about. So I guess Caprica is maybe a robot?

Let's assume Caprica is a robot. So I guess this robot Caprica is out to stop something from happening? There's a final Cylon?

I heard something about a final Cylon, which means they're shutting down the Cylon production plant. I guess the Cylon companies didn't get their government bailout?

So yeah, there's this Cylon trying to stop the government from shutting down the Cylon production plants. I guess maybe Caprica is the final Cylon? Yeah, that makes sense.

So anyway, one big problem I have is every time I see "Caprica," I think it says paprika, which is a delicious seasoning and also a trippy anime flick I saw a couple years back.

That takes us to Battlestar Galactica. I think this has to do with a ship called the Battlestar Galactica. Cylons are these robot things that are the good guys? The Cylons are trying to stop people from colonizing new planets because they fear a universal space dictatorship. The whole final Cylon thing comes up a lot and people get worried.

The Cylons spend time fighting off intergalactic pirates and trying to save the universe. Plus they have those red, glowing, front-of-KITT-from-Knight-Rider eye things.

Doctor Who. A doctor who travels through time in a phonebooth trying to save the world. So I guess it's kind of like "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" for the Brits.

As I understand it, there have been like 24 Doctor Whos, because I guess when you finish a season of being Doctor Who, you have to kill yourself or something.

Dollhouse. Eliza Dushku doing karate and being a secret government agent trying to bring down the same secret government agency she works for.

Also, Eliza Dushku.

Lost started strong apparently, but has become the butt of many jokes regarding how the series no longer makes sense to anyone. I feel like cheating by adding this, because I'm pretty sure someone who has watched the show from the beginning couldn't tell me what was going on.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles apparently is a show that deals with Sarah Connor, and her war against machines. Summer Glau is there, but for some reason she is off putting in the oddest ways.

I think it's been canceled, so I guess I'll never get a chance to watch it. Which is fine, because its not like I was planning to.

Stargate, or any of its creations, features a gate that takes people to different time periods, so that they may kill the people inhabiting these time periods.

There's a large pseudo-Egyptian guy with a weird gold thing on his head that shoots laser beams? It would be cool if it shot laser beams.

Firefly: Live action "Cowboy Bebop"?

Airlock Alpha is this very Web site I work for. I think.

All I know is that I bitch into my computer with words, send them to some guy, and he puts them on some Web page. I have never visited the site, so I have no idea what is on there ... I guess maybe a tribute page to how awesome I am?

Jake Slocum is this guy that writes for this site. He hangs out drinking copious amounts of water and chainsmokes while writing his column.

If you really cared about his life, you could follow him on Twitter as @so_untrustable.

Sometimes he updates. Sometimes.

So yeah, that's it for this week, kids. Next week we'll all sit down and talk about what you saw when you walked in on your mother and I.

'Til next time, Slocum if ya got em, whatever the hell that means. It rhymes! Also! Do you have something you'd like me to explain? Send your requests to whatever the e-mail address is below, and I'll be sure to explain it in a few weeks on my next edition of: Explaining Movies/TV Shows/Theories/Things/Web sites/misc. that I haven't seen.