Slocum: To B Or Not To B

What if Troma ruled the world. Really! What if they did?

By JAKE SLOCUM Apr-20-2009

B-movies. Love them or hate them, they will always be around, mocking you from the dollar bin at your local shops.

What most people don't realize is that the actors that star in these sub-par pieces of crap actually have careers after these movies ... wait ... I messed that up, I meant to say they actually don't have careers after these sub-par pieces of crap.

Take Matt Jordon, AKA the Mansquito. Matt Jordon's career as an actor spans all of one movie. He was the freakin' mansquito and that was it.

Other than some stunt work here and there he was also a star in the abortion of a TV show that we like to call "Cavemen." That's right, acting, so easy Matt Jordon can do it.

So what's ol' Matt up to now you ask? I like to hope he's sitting in a hotel room, drinking straight whiskey, and wondering where it all went wrong. Also lamenting about how "Mansquito" should have been his big break.

It was his big break, he broke so hard he dropped right into obscurity, which is exactly where he came from.

Matt Jordon is not the only case of awful celebrities going on to do awful things, and he won't be the last. I can give these people credit, though, because they're doing what they love.

Did you ever have the friend back in the day who would constantly bother you with his little Sony camcorder, constantly wanting to make a budget movie? You know you helped him out once or twice, starring in his Z-movies, loving every second of it because you were doing something awesome.

You were an actor/actress, and you were going to be a star one day. You eventually grew out of it, but these B-movie actors don't. Some go on to be famous B-movie actors, where every wrap party is a kegger in the back yard of the director.

What I'm trying to say is that even though these people are putting all of their heart and soul into their craft, their craft is awful. I enjoy a good B-movie myself, and I think these actors are great. They just need to maybe try their hand at something else.

I'm just saying ... every time I go to cook anything I burn it, which means I probably don't wanna try to be a chef. Maybe these people will one day burn enough acting roles that they'll realize they can't do it.

If I can change gears again, I'd like to ponder the B-movie industry during the recession. I think we'll be seeing more of these badly made B-movies as production costs get higher and higher.

Here's how I see it, in the next 10 years, if things continue the same way. Paramount Pictures and Warner Bros. will be obsolete, and the biggest movie house will be Troma. Though I would really like to see the big production companies revert back to a simpler time; a time that'll harken back to the days of old, days when people made movies like "Robocop."

Bad special effects and all, I really hope that in the future, things will go back to being made with freakin' claymation. "Clash of the Titans"-type special effects that are cheap and obvious. I want to see Hugh Jackman suspended from a ceiling on strings, with cardboard claws spray-painted silver slashing at another man causing a shower of obviously fake blood, while the whole time a claymation dinosaur looks on in awe.

That is a day I am eagerly looking forward to.

About the Author: Jake Slocum is a World War II veteran with a heart of gold who teaches inner-city children the value of math. When he's not making up that story, he's a writer living in Oklahoma trying to find humor in the most unlikely places.
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