This entire site has changed! Can you believe it?

The bosses already announced a bunch of changes, but there were a few they left out. I don't think they want you to know.

But me being the guy that I am, I decided to share them here.

And remember, before you start sending nasty e-mails or wondering WTF, this is just satire.

- We will now be called Airlock Alpha (as you already know)

- From now on my column will be called, "Jake Slocum is always right, get used to it."

- Whenever you enter the site, you will be greeted with an audio clip of Michael Hinman screaming, "KHHHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!"

- All opinions on the site are no longer opinion, they are fact.

- Factpinions if you will

- All news on "Dollhouse" will now be redirected to me, via the clause in my contract stating that I will deal with all things Eliza Dushku related

- All news regarding "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" will now be redirected to me, via the clause in my contract saying that I will deal with all things Summer Glau related

- New hot tubs for all staff members (that doesn't effect you as the reader, I just wanted to gloat).

- All humor on the site will be redirected to Michael Hinman, via the clause in my contract saying that I will deal with all things Eliza Dushku and Summer Glau related.

- We've hired a robot to do all site design, so if you don't like the new layout, please refer all questions to the Killbot 5000

- From now on when you send me an e-mail, I will read it thoroughly and respond with a thinly veiled insult toward your family

-- We will no longer be talking about "Battlestar Galactica," "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles," Star Trek, "Doctor Who" or any other things sci-fi related. We will now be talking about airlocks, and why ours is the best, seeing as how it is the alpha in the airlock hierarchy.

- All questions and comments about the new design can be sent directly to my recycle bin.

I think with all the good we're doing here, that this new site is going to be great. Enjoy Airlock Alpha and feel free to drop me a line anytime. I can halfway promise I won't insult your family.

All kidding aside, enjoy the new layout and we hope you keep using this site as your go-to site for al things awesome.

If you don't like the new layout, then I may just cry ... one single tear, like that Native American from the waste PSAs of the 1970s. And you wouldn't want that, would you?

You probably would.