The following review contains major spoilers for the film "Spider-Man 2."

In the movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase) is excited about the holidays because his end-of-the-year bonus will allow him to build a swimming pool in the backyard. However, when he finally does get his bonus, it's nothing more than some crazy subscription to something.

When I sat down to watch "Spider-Man 2," which opens today, I felt a lot like Clark did in that movie, feeling all the excitement sucked out of me.

I have glanced at existing reviews of this film, it would appear that director Sam Raimi had made a comic-book masterpiece. Maybe to them. To me, when the ending finally came, I was up out of my seat not to applause, but to get out of the theater and try to make up the two hours of my life that I lost.

Yeah, that sounds a bit harsh for a film that many people have been waiting for a long time, but I was one of those people that spent the last two years anxiously awaiting the sequel. And when the trailers came out, this looked like it was going to be one kick-ass movie. But like many trailers, I discovered that all the best parts are in the trailer, while the rest of the two hours is filled with nothing more than garbage.

In this film, Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) has filled his role of Spider-Man and pizza delivery boy/college student in a very poor way, to the point where he can't really hold on to a job.

Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), however, has been doing a lot better over the last couple of years, earning some acting roles and a nice modeling career. She still has love for Peter, who continues to shun her.

Harry Osborn (James Franco) is still around as well, running his late father's corporation, and still trying to think of a way of seeking revenge for his father's death, which he blames on Spider-Man.

In the meantime, Peter continues to do bad in school, unimpress his editor at the Daily Bugle, and has to deal with the fact that his aunt (Rosemary Harris) can't seem to pay her bills on time, and the house is going into foreclosure.

The sad part here is that this is background that the movie spent more than an hour setting up, but background that really was not needed to be so in-depth. I will be the first to say that many action films lack depth, but that is not to say that it should necessarily be there. There are times it works, like in "Gladiator," and then times it doesn't ... like in "X-Men." But for some odd reason, the writing team of Alfred Gough, Miles Millar and Michael Chabon thought they were writing "Gladiator" instead of "X-Men." And that, my friends, was a mistake.

The writing for this film was absolutely flat and uninteresting. That becomes evident when Peter gets home to discover a birthday party in his honor, and Osborn is just acting creepy. What a great way to celebrate your birthday ... it's unclear at this point whether Osborn likes Peter or not, since he seems to blame Peter for his father's death indirectly. But later, when Octavius (Alfred Molina) is told to bring him Spider-Man, he yells after him to not hurt his "friend."

The see-saw in Osborn's character continues when he introduces Peter to Octavius, who just happens to be working for his company -- and someone Peter just happens to be doing a paper on, who just happens to know his college professor. Is a pattern erupting yet? And that was the point where I just happened to yawn, for the third time.

Not only did we have to go through the forced scene of Osborn getting the busy Octavius to talk to Peter because he signs his paychecks, but then we had to go through a long and dull conversation with Peter, Octavius, and his wife, J. Jonah Jameson (Donna Murphy), where they talked about nothing, and obviously was introducing us to Octavius' better half so that we will feel sorry for her when she died. Sadly, it was way too forced to evoke any emotion from me, other than yawn No. 4.

So, Octavius -- by yet ANOTHER lab accident -- becomes a bad guy, and Peter Parker has to save the day. But first, he needs to see MJ's new play ... which he misses.

Even stranger, Parker starts to lose his Spidey abilities, which makes little sense. Is it because he's not eating? Not sleeping? Or because he just isn't "focused" on it? It makes no sense, and undefines Parker's later decision to give up on Spider-Man. I believe the writers wanted us to see that he gave it up for destroying his life with MJ, his friends lives, and others. Instead, however, we were provided with this murky reason, where we weren't sure if he gave it up because of his problems in his personal life, or because he simply didn't have the abilities anymore.

Raimi also tried very hard -- way too hard -- to be funny. Scenes, like Spider-Man going down an elevator with Hal Sparks talking about his Spidey costume "riding up" his crotch, was funny ... but there seemed to be more humor than needed in an action film. It started to make me wonder if these were added for nothing more than fill, because the story itself was very short, and very unexciting.

The movie keeps up this weird pace, and is competely uneventful for another hour and a half. If I wanted to watch a movie that dragged for nearly two hours before finally giving us something, I'd pop in "2001: A Space Odyssey." At least it had good music.

The directing in the movie was amateurish. Raimi depended on contrast scene changes from quiet to loudness to go from Peter Parker to Octavius. While this is good to make an audience jump, it got old after the third time it happened. Also, Raimi was ultra-dependent on doing a "Jurassic Park"-like entrance for Octavius ... not just in a few scenes. EVERY scene. That's right ... we couldn't see Octavius until we endured three minutes of distant pounding and vibrations in case we didn't know that Octavius made a lot of noise when he traveled.

And yes, there were plot holes. Like, how did the characters know where to find each other? It seemed like everyone knew the right place to be all the time. Like Peter and his professor in the beginning. Like Peter and MJ walking down a street, and at the right moment when MJ needed to make her exit, a taxi was ready to whisk her away. Like when Spidey is released by Osborn, he needs to find MJ, and just happens to know that Osborn is tied up at an abandoned building on the docks. Did everyone leave messages with each other to say, "Find me here?" Or did I miss a part where Octavius said, "Oh, and if you need to look me up, look down at the bay." And when Octavius robbed the bank, what are the chances with all the banks in New York that Octavius would choose the very bank at the very time that Peter and his aunt were trying to get a loan?

The movie then spent a lot of time with Peter Parker's coming out party. For some reason, Peter had to reveal to EVERYONE that he was Spider-Man. Sure, some of it was accidental, but it reminded me quite a bit of "Batman Returns," which also was a horrible followup to a good film.

After we finally got to the unexciting climax, the movie STILL didn't end. We then had to endure some loose ends tying up, like MJ leaving her fiance at the altar (they move fast, don't they?) and still being with Peter at the end. I think someone had to wake me up to tell me how it ended.

Raimi seemed to have the right formula the first time he directed a film in this franchise. Give us background, but make it fast and keep things moving. Apparently, he forgot that formula, or decided to toss it out for the second film. Let's hope it returns for the third.

I know there will be some e-mails in my box telling me that this is how the comic book works and such, and that I should read them more. Maybe they're right ... but a vast majority of the people who went and saw the movie have only had Spider-Man exposure through the television series, the cartoon, and pop culture. Very few of them actually read the comic book, too. While it's good to appeal to the comic book, since that is its basis (and comic books are awesome), at the same time, the movie needs to be exactly that ... a movie, something that moves. This simply didn't move.

Spider-Man 2
Directed by Sam Raimi

Writing: D
Story: C-
Acting: B
Directing: D

Overall: C-

Michael Hinman is the founder and news editor of Airlock Alpha. He is based in Tampa, Fla., and can be reached at michael@airlockalpha.com.

Talk about this story on the Airlock Alpha message boards. Click here!